
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/8542597.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi
  Fandom:
      文豪ストレイドッグス_|_Bungou_Stray_Dogs
  Relationship:
      Dazai_Osamu_&_Yumeno_Kyuusaku_(Bungou_Stray_Dogs), Dazai_Osamu/Nakahara
      Chuuya_(Bungou_Stray_Dogs), Akutagawa_Ryuunosuke_&_Dazai_Osamu_(Bungou
      Stray_Dogs), Dazai_Osamu/Oda_Sakunosuke_(Bungou_Stray_Dogs), Dazai_Osamu
      &_Kunikida_Doppo_(Bungou_Stray_Dogs), Yosano_Akiko/Dazai_Osamu/Edogawa
      Ranpo_(Bungou_Stray_Dogs), Dazai_Osamu/Higuchi_Ichiyou_(Bungou_Stray
      Dogs), Dazai_Osamu/Nakajima_Atsushi_(Bungou_Stray_Dogs)
  Character:
      Dazai_Osamu_(Bungou_Stray_Dogs)
  Additional Tags:
      Plot_What_Plot/Porn_Without_Plot, PWP
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-11-13 Completed: 2016-12-18 Chapters: 8/8 Words: 6749
****** Flowers of Buffoonery ******
by loadtocontinue_(Cha_haya)
Summary
     Dazai, the people around him, and sex.
Notes
     Title taken from irl Dazai's work, Flowers of Buffoonery.
     (alternatively titled, "Dazai Screws Yokohama")
     Sex isn't in every chapter, but all of the chapters feature at least
     some discussion of it.
     Also, in this chapter, which takes place 7 years before canon, Kouyou
     (age 19) isn't a Port Mafia executive yet. I love Kouyou, so her
     promotion might be something I'll explore in another fic, who knows!
***** Case 1: Yumeno Kyuusaku *****
“Hey, Dazai-san, what’s sex?” Q asks this so innocently as he draws a picture
in crayon, kicking his legs around under the table (and occasionally hitting
Dazai’s shins (probably) on accident), that Dazai’s tempted to just say “a
thing that mommies and daddies use to make children”, and leave it at that. But
1) that’d probably launch a discussion about mommies and daddies, and Dazai’s
really not prepared to have to answer “Dazai-san, where are my mommy and
daddy?”, and 2) Dazai’s well aware that most people in the mafia don’t fuck to
create offspring.
So instead, Dazai answers, without looking up from his book, “Something that
only adults are supposed to do.” And then he asks, out of curiosity, “Where’d
you hear that, anyway, Kyuusaku?”
Q doesn’t look entirely satisfied with Dazai’s  reply, but he answers Dazai’s
question anyway: “I overheard Mori-sensei and Kouyou nee-san talking. Mori-
sensei said something like, ‘Kouyou-kun, are you trying to get into my pants?’
and Kouyou nee-san was like ‘Who would want to have sex with you, you
lolicon?’, and then she threw a cushion at him.”
When Dazai doesn’t give even a murmur of acknowledgement of Q’s words, the brat
chucks a crayon at his head. “Ouch! Hey, what was that for?” Dazai yelps.
“You still haven’t told me what sex is, Dazai-san!”
Dazai sighs. He really,  really  isn’t in the mood to give The Talk to a 6 year
old. “Ask me again when I’m an adult, would you.”
 
===============================================================================
 
 
Hilariously (or not), it turns out that the first time Dazai has sex is later
that same year, when he is 15 years of age. Go figure.
Dazai had spoken out in disagreement with Mori at a business meeting with some
big corporation, so Mori took him to the disgusting, sleazy bar across the
street from the brothel Kouyou works at and ordered some alcohol for himself.
Then Mori said he was going to the bathroom, and ditched Dazai at the bar.
Dazai had figured out that last part as soon as the two of them had walked into
the bar, though, so Dazai ignored the concerned look of the bartender and
swallowed down Mori’s glass of whiskey ten seconds after the Port Mafia boss
disappeared around the corner. Sure enough, it’s been ten minutes, and Mori
still hasn’t come back. He probably left through the back door. Dazai’s been
left alone to reflect upon his actions and wallow in his misery.
Joke’s on Mori, though, that asshole. Dazai refuses to do such a thing. With
some difficulty due to the alcohol hampering his senses slightly, Dazai hops
off the barstool.
He really, really wants to spite Mori. Which is probably a bad idea, but as
long as Q’s around, Mori won’t kill him. Q’s ability is way too powerful and
uncontrollable to leave unchecked.
Ah, he’s got it.
Dazai’s getting laid tonight.
There’s a brothel right across the street, after all. He’ll put the payment on
Mori’s tab business ventures tab. Mori has his secretaries deal with that crap,
so he’ll probably have to answer an awkward question about why he’s using mafia
funds on prostitutes.
Excellent idea, Dazai.
Dazai knows tonight is Kouyou’s night off work, and that she likes to spend her
nights off out in the city, so she won’t be around. The guards at the door of
the brothel are usually very strict about letting minors in, but Dazai’s been
coming around for the past year to play/train/fight with Chuuya, so they let
him in no problem. The older workers figure he’s here for Chuuya too, and leave
him alone, going off to do their own work. But he catches the eye of one of the
new workers and she sidles up next to him and offers to take him to her room.
She seems to be around twenty, maybe older, maybe younger. She's pretty, with
daintily painted nails and a lovely smile. Dazai can tell that she has no idea
who he is, or how old he is (Dazai’s pretty tall for his age, much to Chuuya’s
chargin).
He smiles, and takes her hand.
Sex with her is kind of underwhelming, but it's an--interesting new experience.
The orgasm the woman gives him feels good, and Dazai politely thanks her for
her time afterwards. Then he goes off to Chuuya’s room on trembling legs, shaky
from-- from the trill of a recent release.
“What are you doing here, Dazai?” Chuuya greets him upon opening the door after
Dazai’s sloppily knocks upon the sliding wood. Chuuya must have gotten out of
the bath recently; his hair is wet.
Dazai pushes past Chuuya and into his room, then proceeds to plant himself
face-first into Chuuya’s futon, much to Chuuya’s squawked displeasure. “What
the fuck, Dazai.”
After a few moments of silence, Chuuya sighs, and flops down next to him.
There’s some shuffling, the click of a DS opening, and then video game noises
fill the otherwise silent room.
“Chuuya,” Dazai starts, after a while.
“What,” says Chuuya.
“...Never mind.”
***** Case 2: Nakahara Chuuya *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Chuuya isn't the first mafia member he fucks, but he  is  the most frequent-- a
byproduct of the amount of time they spend with each other, most likely.
Dazai wouldn't say he and Chuuya are friends, probably, since he's  fairly
sure friends are supposed to like each other, and he doesn’t think that “like”
is the best way to describe what he feels for the petit mafioso. But Dazai does
know that he trusts Chuuya with his life, and that Chuuya trusts Dazai with his
(as proven every time For the Tainted Sorrow is activated), and, well, that's
got to count for something. They've known each other since they were fourteen,
and they’ve shared so many experiences together, so many stand-out memories,
that Dazai has come to know Chuuya like the back of his hand: his likes and
dislikes, his strengths and weaknesses, his habits and mannerisms, what ticks
him off, what makes him shut up, everything and anything that could possibly be
useful to know.
And yet, they don’t  feel  like friends. Dazai knows that Chuuya spends time
with him more out of feelings of familiarity and camaraderie than out of
anything like fondness, and Dazai feels the same way. What had Kouyou-nee-san
called it? An undesirable friendship? That describes their relationship pretty
well, Dazai supposes.
Nevertheless, Chuuya is this first guy Dazai has sex with. Surprisingly,
however, the same isn't true the other way around. Who knew! Someone had
thought it'd be a fun idea to bang his hatrack of a partner!
And so Chuuya takes the lead, the first time around, wriggling in Dazai’s lap,
orange hair tickling Dazai’s nose, as Dazai grips the armrest of the leather
couch they had fallen onto with slippery palms, slick with sweat after emptying
his handgun during a surprise ambush by an opposing group’s forces. There’s
blood (not his, for the most part) stickiying the bandages of his left arm, and
Chuuya’s face is streaked with blood and dirt, and they both smell like sweat,
but they’re high on adrenaline and, most importantly,  alive .
Chuuya manages to kick his own form-fitting slacks off, somehow, though he
can’t be bothered to do anything more to Dazai’s pants than shove them halfway
down his thighs. Dazai claws at the collar of Chuuya’s shirt, pressing his
mouth to the strip of neck between Chuuya’s choker and collar bone, and bites
down. Chuuya moans, and the sound makes Dazai shiver.
Dazai’s first thought as Chuuya sinks onto his dick is  warm , and then his
second is  well aren't  I  the idiot for wanting to bang my hatrack of a
partner , and then all thoughts fly out his head as Chuuya bottoms out with a
small shout, hands slinging themselves around Dazai’s neck.
Afterwards, they pass out on Dazai’s bed, limbs tangled together, despite the
stickiness of the gross mix of bodily fluids.
They screw almost exclusively after battles, when they’re soaked in blood and
sweat. It’s almost a routine. Destroy the enemy. Return to safety. Patch each
others’ wounds. Fuck, fast and messy. Pass out. Wake up, take a bath, meet with
Mori to discuss results. Get assigned on another mission. Rise and repeat.
Sometimes they don’t have sex after a battle, and that’s okay too. Sometimes
Chuuya passes out after using Tainted, and Dazai carries him back to his new
apartment downtown, tucks Chuuya into his bed, and hides his stupid hat on top
of his fridge before collapsing on the couch. That’s fine too. He might not
like him, but trusts Chuuya enough not to murder him in his sleep.
Chapter End Notes
     do u every think about how dazai and chuuyas profiles are the only
     ones that reference each other
     blackrom soukoku is canon
***** Case 3: Akutagawa Ryuunosuke *****
Chapter Notes
     To anyone looking for Dazai/Akutagawa: im sorry but dazai/akutagawa
     is one of my nnnnaaaahtps for this fandom so instead i wrote soukoku
     pt 2 ft akutagawa
See the end of the chapter for more notes
A year after the first time they have sex, Dazai finds himself kneeling on the
floor, Chuuya’s legs thrown over his shoulders, Chuuya’s hands twisted in his
hair, as Dazai carefully takes Chuuya’s dick into his mouth.
This is only his... what, second time giving someone head? But Chuuya seems to
think that he's doing well, a low groan rumbling through his chest. He tries to
coax his cock further into Dazai's mouth, but that makes Dazai almost gag, so
instead Dazai pulls off and instead gives Chuuya's dick a wide, long lick, base
to tip, which seems to please Chuuya just as well.
They’re in Dazai’s new office room at the Port Mafia HQ. He’s an Executive now,
so his office is much bigger than his previous one. There’s enough space for a
nice mahogany desk and a sofa, which Chuuya is currently sat on.
They haven’t finished fighting or anything, but Dazai wants to celebrate his
promotion by having sex in his nice new office! And Chuuya had been around, and
willing, so here they are, foreplaying around before the actual sex, since, for
once, they’re not exhausted and hopped up on adrenaline. They can take it slow,
this time.
Dazai curls his fingers around Chuuya’s waist and covers Chuuya’s cock with his
mouth once more. Chuuya grunts, and Dazai thinks he can do better, so he
relaxes his jaw, takes in as much as he can, and sucks. It’s kind of hard (heh)
and his mouth burns a little at the stretch, but it’s totally worth it just to
see the face his partner makes. Chuuya makes a high-pitched whine and tugs at
Dazai’s hair.
“Dazai, hold on, I’m gonna--”
And then the door flies open.
“Dazai-san, about that mission--” Akutagawa starts, and then stops.
...Oops.
The couch is pushed up against the left wall, relative to the door. There’s
nothing obscuring the view from the door of the entire couch.
Meaning, Akutagawa can definitely see Dazai and Chuuya. And judging from the
red that’s rapidly spreading across Akutagawa’s usually pale face, he
definitely knows what they’re doing.
Dazai detaches his mouth from Chuuya’s groin. He can feel spit and precum
dribbling down the corners of his lips, but he ignores it in favor of smiling
and waving at his young underling. “Hiya, Akutagawa-kun.”
Akutagawa averts his gaze and coughs, hand covering his mouth. “I-I’m terribly
sorry to have disturbed you, Dazai-san. I’ll come back later.”
Then he leaves, coat swishing behind him.
Chuuya scowls down at Dazai. Dazai narrowly dodges a kick aimed at his head.
“You left the door unlocked on purpose, didn’t you, bastard.” It’s not a
question.
“I thought the potential of getting caught would be thrilling,” he shrugs.
“Though you’re wrong if you think I purposefully called Akutagawa here.”
Chuuya makes a contemplative face, then shakes his head. “Nah, you hate him too
much to bother with something that.”
“What makes you think I hate him?” Dazai asks, a hint of curiosity betraying
his nonchalant voice.
Chuuya frowns. “For one, you’ve complained about him near constantly for the
past week. If he’s that much of a bother, then you shouldn’t have taken him in
in the first place, dumbass. Second of all,” Chuuya continues, “You never seem
to want to be near him, even when you’re training together.”
Urgh. Chuuya’s right. Dazai really is pissed at Akutagawa for consistently
ignoring Dazai’s advice when he tries to advise him on how to use Rashoumon
effectively. If he’d only listen, Akutagawa’s ability could be used for so much
more than reckless destruction, but instead his annoying underling
keeps charging right into battles without even a smidgen of a plan besides
'Attack!'.
Like hell he’s gonna tell Chuuya that, though. They’re not friends.
Dazai puts on a smile. “Akutagawa-kun’s a bit troublesome to deal with, but of
course I don’t hate him,” he says. “You’re the only one I hate, Chuuya.”
“Asshole.” Chuuya says. Then, “Get offa me.”
Dazai moves out of the way. Chuuya stands up and walks over to where his pants
are draped over Dazai’s desk. “... Don’t wanna have sex anymore?”
Chuuya scoffs. “Hell no. Knowing I got caught with you is a real turn-off.”
Damn. Chuuya pulls his pants on, buttons up his shirt, and shrugs on his
jacket. “I’m gonna go talk to Akutagawa.”
Dazai raises an eyebrow. “And threaten him not to spill the beans?”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you,” Chuuya says, rolling his eyes. “Though it
doesn’t look like he has anyone talks to besides you and Gin. Nah, I’m gonna
bond with him over how shitty of a person you are.” Chuuya sets his hat on his
head and leaves the room.
Chapter End Notes
     soukoku is my bias
     That being said, this is the last chapter featuring Soukoku.
***** Case 4: Oda Sakunosuke *****
Chapter Notes
     In canon, I think Dazai and Odasaku met Ango 2 years before Dazai
     defected at age 18, which would actually make Dazai an upwards of 16
     years old when he first meets Odasaku. By then, I think he was
     already an Executive. But for the purposes of this fic and my sanity
     Dazai gets promoted at 17.
      
     why is everyone in this series so young theres no way kunikida
     couldve become a teacher and then a government employee before he
     reached 22 jfc
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Dazai first meets Odasaku a month after his promotion to Port Mafia executive,
when he’s 17. They become drinking buddies (even though Dazai is underage. As
if anyone in any mafia-protected bar would ever dare to ID him. He’s the
demonic prodigy, the youngest executive of the Port Mafia, and if he wants a
drink,  he will have a drink ).
It’s so nice to have someone Dazai can talk to without feeling the need to hide
himself, to put up defenses, to deceive. He can be honest around Odasaku. More
than that, Dazai genuinely enjoys being with Odasaku. He really hopes it’s
mutual.
So one day, as they’re headed towards Bar Lupin, Dazai asks Odasaku if he
enjoys spending time with him.
“Of course,” Odasaku says, a hint of bafflement in his voice. “You’re my
friend, after all.”
Dazai actually pauses in his step at that, eyes widening just a fraction.
Friends . He’s never anyone call him that before. He’s never had anyone he’d
wanted  to call him friend before, only mentors, coworkers, disagreeable
partners, and underlings.
Friends, huh.
Dazai lets out a small laugh, causing Odasaku to turn and look at him with a
confused expression. “What?”
“Nothing,” Dazai smiles, and bumps shoulders with his  friend . The word gives
rise to a fluffy feeling in his chest. “Nothing at all!”
 
===============================================================================
 
 
He sleeps with Odasaku when he is 18.
Sex with Odasaku is, for lack of a better word,  nice . That’s really the best
way to describe it. Odasaku’s such a gentleman, always making sure Dazai’s
comfortable, that he’s not in pain, that he’s having a fun time.
Odasaku’s hands are gentle as he unbuttons Dazai’s shirt. They’re on Odasaku’s
bed, and Dazai’s in Odasaku’s lap, wrapped up in Odasaku’s warmth.
Odasaku finishes unbuttoning Dazai’s shirt and pushes the young Executive back
until he’s lying flat on the bed. Dazai smiles up at Odasaku, and then pulls
him down for a kiss.
It’s a bit strange, kissing during sex. He rarely does it with any of his one-
night stands, whether they be male or female, and with Chuuya, it’s more like
they’re exchanging bruising mouth-punches. Kissing, Odasaku, however, is sweet
and sensual. It’s a nice feeling that Dazai revels in.
Odasaku takes his time exploring Dazai, mapping the contours of his skin,
before his hands even go anywhere near Dazai’s crotch.  Dazai gasps when
Odasaku’s fingers slip inside of him, and moans when, afterwards, Odasaku holds
Dazai close and slowly presses into him. It’s warm, and Dazai feels safe,
enveloped in Odasaku’s embrace.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
The morning after, while Odasaku is still sleeping, Dazai slips out of bed and
into his friend’s beige jacket, just to see what it’d look like on him. A
glance in the mirror shows that it’s way too broad around the shoulders for
Dazai’s slim frame. If he rolls up the sleeves, though, then it doesn’t look so
bad. And the entire thing smells like Odasaku, which definitely isn’t bad.
There’s some shuffling behind him. “Looks good on you,” Odasaku says, sleepily
rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he sits up, the blanket slipping down his
chest to pool in his lap.
“You think so?” Dazai gives it a little twirl. The jacket’s hem, which had only
reached mid-thigh on Odasaku, goes down to Dazai’s knees. “Maybe I’ll take it,
then?”
Odasaku frowns. “Don’t take that one. It was a birthday present from the kids.”
“Don’t worry. I was just kidding,” Dazai laughs. “Mori-san would get upset if I
ever wore a coat given to me by another man, so I’m saving my outfit change for
when I  really  want to piss him off.” And then, he’ll finally have an excuse
to burn that filthy thing. It’s been dirtied by blood more times than Dazai can
count, and yet it still looks perfectly fine, as black as the day Mori had
first gifted the coat to Dazai.
Odasaku’s coat, on the other hand. Despite the fabric being ten shades lighter,
the only stain Dazai can find is a small coffee stain a little over the left
pocket. No blood stains at all.
Dazai’s still looking himself in the mirror when Odasaku wraps his arms around
his waist and affectionately nuzzles Dazai’s neck from behind.
“I’m gonna make breakfast,” Odasaku says. “Anything you’d like?”
“You’re such a gentleman, Odasaku,” Dazai laughs, turning around to face his
friend. “In that case, may I request a second round?”
 
===============================================================================
 
 
But of course, nothing good lasts forever, especially for the Demon Prodigy of
the Port Mafia.
Odasaku dies, and Dazai takes the time to burn the black coat Mori had given
him before he leaves for the world of light.
Two weeks after that, on his way to meet Chief Taneda of the Special Abilities
Department, Dazai’s eyes catch on the window display of a coat shop.
Dazai reaches Taneda at the bar later than he had initially planned, but when
he does, Dazai is wearing a new beige long coat.
Chapter End Notes
     Also this is the last Port Mafia chapter! On to the Agency!
***** Case 5: Kunikida Doppo *****
Chapter Notes
     srry theres no actual kunikida/dazai smut orz
See the end of the chapter for more notes
If friends are people you want to spend time with without having any ulterior
motives and vice versa, then Dazai is sure that Odasaku would be glad to know:
Dazai has made a few, in the wake of his first friend's death.
Dazai is also sure that Odasaku would get along splendidly with one of these
friends in particular: Kunikida. Not that Dazai doesn't get along with the
blond, but... Odasaku would have gotten along with Kunikida in a different way,
Dazai thinks! Dazai’s deep bond with Odasaku had probably been a once in a
lifetime affinity. Dazai’s friendship with Kunikida...
“Kunikida, I’m just saying this, but you seem more uptight than usual,” Dazai
remarks.
Kunikida tries to make his shrug seem nonchalant, but Dazai can see his brow
twitch from where he’s resting his head on his own desk. “Maybe it’s because of
the nuisance who keeps bothering me while I’m working,” Kunikida spits out.
It’s late. The last bit setting sun is filtering through the blinds. Everyone
else has already gone home for the day. All that’s left is Kunikida, who’s
working on a report, and Dazai, who’s “helping” his partner.
Dazai laughs. “Yeah, or maybe you just need to get laid. Sex helps with stress,
you know!”
“Does it.”
“It does! Didn’t you know-- Ah, wait,” Dazai brings a hand to cover his mouth
and says in a fake-scandalized tone, “Don’t tell me. Are you possibly a virgin,
Kunikida?”
There’s a beat of silence, except for the scritch-scratch of Kunikida’s pen on
paper, and then--
Kunikida sighs. “Yes, I am,” Knew it, Dazai thinks, “Though I don’t see how
that has anything to do with me being stressed, since you’re the one who keeps
bothering me.”
“Well, if you wanted to,” Dazai says casually, “I wouldn’t mind helping you out
with that.”
Kunikida sputters. “What.”
“With your virginity, I mean. Not with your report,” Dazai clarifies, just in
case. He doesn’t want Kunikida to think that he’s offering to help with
paperwork.
“No, I got that, I just-- why?”
Dazai shrugs. “Who knows. Do you wanna, though?”
Kunikida gives him a cold look. “No way. I don’t plan on having sex until
marriage.”
Dazai whistles. “Ah, old-fashioned, are we. Well, then, what if I married you?”
Kunikida’s brow twitches again. “My list for an ideal romantic partner--”
“--contains 58 requirements, right?” Dazai had read all of it. An excellent
read, that list. Some of the requirements were kind of embarrassing, to be
honest. But he had noticed that none of them had mentioned gender.
Kunikida scowls. “Stop going through my stuff, bastard. But yes, it does. And
you only meet ten of them. Therefore, we are highly incompatible. I’m not
planning on marrying anyone who can’t even meet a fourth of the requirements.
So you see, I don’t see us performing c-coitus any time in the foreseeable
future.”
Dazai pouts. “You sure are a master at turning people down, aren’t you.”
“It doesn’t count if the offer wasn’t serious,” Kunikida argues.
He’s right, but Dazai knew from the beginning that Kunikida would’ve turned him
down whether he was serious or not. Why bother?
Dazai stands up, and picks up his coat from where it's draped over the back of
his chair. "In that case, you should treat me to dinner, Kunikida!"
"Hah?!" Kunikida does some more scowling. "Why should I do that? You've done
nothing but distract me for the past hour!"
"Yeah," Dazai says, stretching, "But you're still stressed out. Let's take a
break, Kunikida! I'll even pay for my own food!"
"That's what you're supposed to do, idiot." But Kunikida does look like he's
considering Dazai's offer.
Just one final push. "... If you come get dinner with me, I won't tell Chief
Fukuzawa that he fulfills 46 out of 58 requirements on your ideal partner
list!"
The pen in Kunikida's hand snaps in half.
... Oops. That might have been too big of a push.
 
===============================================================================
 
Dazai's ears are ringing by the time Kunikida's done yelling at him, almost
half an hour later. Wow. Who knew a person could have that much lung capacity?
They do end up getting dinner together, though.
Chapter End Notes
     Since same-sex marriage isn't legal in Japan, I suppose if Kunikida
     were to find his ideal partner in a male, he would consider
     "marriage" to be adding the boyfriend's name to Kunikida's family
     register (koseki adoption). Or cohabitation, I guess.
***** Case 6: Edogawa Ranpo and Yosano Akiko *****
Chapter Notes
     A bit more lighthearted than the other chapters. Dazai's skillz at
     performing oral strike again
     I'm not saying that I started writing this series just so I could
     write Yosano topping Dazai in some form or fashion, but.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
A year after Dazai starts working at the Armed Detective Agency, Ranpo
propositions him to a threesome with Yosano.
It goes like this:
Ranpo has just used his super-deduction “ability” to solve a murder case for
the police. Everybody cheers, except for the police, who grumble about someone
being better at their jobs than them. And the culprit, who’s spouting curses as
she’s led away from the crime scene in handcuffs. And the victim’s younger
brother, who has to be held back from physically assaulting the culprit. And
Ranpo, who’s wincing from where the culprit had punched him in the gut earlier.
And Dazai, who’s wondering how the fuck Ranpo had deduced the culprit from two
spots of dirt on the floor, a single shard of glass, and a fingerprint smudge
on a coffee mug. So, in short, nobody’s cheering.
After they tie things up with the police, the two of them walk back together to
the Agency, the sun setting dramatically behind them. Ranpo prods at his
stomach, breathing out a sigh of relief when he finds that his injury isn’t
bleeding, so Yosano-san won’t need/want to treat him. She doesn't need to heal
Ranpo nearly as much as Kenji or Kunikida, since Ranpo's "a lover, not a
fighter" (aka, Ranpo's useless in a fight), and it would be embarrassing if the
few times she did need to heal him was because Ranpo got distracted looking at
a picture of a dog and let the culprit falcon-punch him in the stomach. Yosano
would laugh for days.
Oh, that reminds him. Speaking of Yosano-san, “Dazai-kun, Yosano-san’s been
wanting to try a threesome for some time now, wanna help?”
Which is how Dazai finds himself in a love hotel, 48 hours later, with Yosano’s
cunt in his face and Ranpo’s dick in his ass.
Well, this is an interesting experience!
“My, Dazai-kun, you’re really good at this, aren’t you?” Yosano coos, a gloved
hand fisting in his hair as she rocks her groin against Dazai's mouth. She’s
naked, except for those black gloves she always wears, which Dazai finds kind
of really hot. Yosano would totally be the type of lady that Dazai’d
proposition a lover’s suicide to, if the good doctor didn’t hold life in such
high regard. As it is, Yosano’d probably sucker-punch him in the face if he’d
ever suggested such a thing.
Dazai drags his tongue over Yosano’s clit and laves at the nub, causing her to
let out a pleased sigh. “You’re amazing, Dazai-kun. Much better at oral than
some other guy I know.”
“That’s mean, Yosano-san,” Ranpo says. He’s got a hand on Dazai’s dick and the
other under Dazai’s knee, pushing Dazai’s leg out of the way so he
can shallowly thrust into him. “We all have different talents.”
“Psh,” says Yosano, guiding one of Dazai’s hands to cup at her breast, “You
just don’t want to admit that you suck at eating pussy.” Dazai squeezes lightly
as he runs his tongue in circles around her clit. Then he moves down a little
to worm his tongue inside Yosano's cunt, and she gasps, throwing her head back
in pleasure.
“It’s true though! Last time, didn’t you remark,” Ranpo starts, and then
suddenly Ranpo’s cock brushes up against a spot inside of Dazai that makes him
keen, and Dazai gasps against Yosano’s cunt, “that I was great at finding all
your sensitivespots, Yosano-san?”
“Well, that was then and this is now,” she says, and stops grinding against
Dazai’s face for a second, momentarily pulling his head away from her groin by
his hair. Dazai can feel her slick and his spit rolling off the corners of his
mouth even as his dazed eyes focus on Yosano’s flushed face, smiling down at
him from above. There’s a hand he can’t see tugging harshly on his cock, and
the slick slide of Ranpo's dick pushing in and out of him. It presses up
against Dazai's prostrate again, and Dazai moans, the sound echoing through the
room.
Yosano smirks. “What do you think of him, Dazai-kun?” she asks playfully.
Dazai smiles lazily, but he doesn't answer right away (it's hard to formulate
sentences when you're focusing your attention on two people during sex,
dammit). Ranpo laughs. "Look, he's speechless. I guess I really am just that
good!"
"He is," Dazai says, and Ranpo laughs again, and rubs a thumb at a spot just
under the head of Dazai's cock. Dazai lets out a happy gasp. "So good."
Yosano rolls her eyes, but she's smiling. Then she sits back down on Dazai's
face, and Dazai enthusiastically resumes eating her out.
Dazai's glad that he's made more friends!
Chapter End Notes
     I wish there were more women I could feasibly ship Dazai with.
     Kouyou's out because I headcanon her as being soukoku's honorary
     sister. Higuchi wasn't around during Dazai's dark days (i think).
     Naomi and Kyouka are.... yeah, no.
     and gins a lesbian
     There's one more chapter up ahead. I think it's pretty obvious who
     it's gonna be.
***** Case 7: Higuchi Ichiyou *****
Chapter Notes
     I lied. I figured out a way to fit in a Dazai/female character
     chapter before the final Atsushi chapter.
     i spent waaay too long wondering if i'd seem too desperate if i tried
     to write dazai/lucy tbh
     When does this chapter take place? ==> sometime between the guild
     wars arc and the "fyodor ruins everything" arc
     What leads to this situation happening? ==> ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ porn
     convenience
     So anyway here's Higuchi and Dazai and gunplay
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Dazai likes his women strong. Ah, not strong physically (though that’s
certainly not a turn-off), but strong mentally. Strong-willed. Yes, that’s it.
And this woman…
Higuchi points her gun at his chest. “Strip,” she commands, her voice only
faltering slightly, at the end of the word.
Well, she’d have to be strong-willed, going along with Dazai’s messed up kinks.
Dazai wouldn’t consider himself a masochist, not by a long stretch. He detests
pain. He’d rather live a while longer than suffer through a painful suicide.
That said, the threat of death is something he rather quite… enjoys.
Of course, Dazai’s not an idiot. He doesn’t actually want to get murdered
during sex (though, that would be quite a way to go!). So, with this kind of
D&S play, his partner has to be someone Dazai trusts with his life, or at
least, someone Dazai trusts not to kill him while he’s in the throes of
ecstasy.
He could ask his friends. But his friends are nice people. They would certainly
get concerned if Dazai went up to them and said Hey, I get really turned on
when people order me around in bed by threatening me with lethal weapons, do
you think you could do that for me?
(Heck, Chuuya had hesitated the first time Dazai had suggested it. Chuuya, who
had otherwise never missed out on an opportunity to get Dazai to do what he
wanted.)
Even the super sadist doctor, Yosano, only enjoyed dealing out pain when she
knew she could heal them with her Ability, and considering No Longer Human
canceled out Thou Shalt Not Live…
No, this is the kind of stuff you only ask of those who are already involved in
the world of the dark.
Higuchi’s gun is fully loaded. She won’t fire it, and they both know that.
Higuchi would never risk killing Dazai, after all. She would never hurt him,
not if Higuchi wanted to stay on her beloved Akutagawa-senpai’s good side.
Still, there’s always the lingering possibility that she could. And that threat
does things to Dazai. Especially when it’s delivered by a pretty lady!
And indeed, Higuchi is gorgeous, even as she looks at Dazai with such unmasked
disgust in her eyes.
Dazai finishes taking his pants off, and moves on to his vest. He gets that
off, too, and manages to get his shirt unbuttoned halfway before Higuchi swats
his hand to the side. “That’s enough,” she says, a slight tremble in her voice.
Although...
Dazai tilts his head to the side, in question. “Do you want to stop?”
Higuchi closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath in. She opens her eyes. “No,”
she says, decidedly steadier.  Then she says, “Take off my pants.”
Dazai kneels, and does as she says, Higuchi’s gun trained on his head the
entire time. He lets his eyes linger on her creamy white calves for a second,
before Higuchi orders, “Stand up,” and Dazai obeys.
He only stays upright for a second, though, and then he’s falling backwards,
something jerking him hard by his shirttail. Dazai’s back hits the cheap hotel
bed with a soft thud, and Higuchi quickly clamors astride him, straddling his
waist and effectively trapping Dazai between the mattress and the barrel of her
gun.
Oh, this woman is strong, no doubt. Nowhere near, say, Gin’s level of physical
strength, but Higuchi’d probably be able to beat Dazai in a one-to-one unarmed
fight. In any case, Dazai doesn’t think he could escape, if Higuchi was
seriously trying to restrain him. The thought sends a shiver down his spine.
“Any requests?” Higuchi asks, shoving her gun closer to Dazai’s face.
Dazai’s grinning so hard, his face hurts. “No-----pe,” he says, dragging out
the o. “Anything is fine, as long as it doesn’t involve hurting me.
Purposefully,” he adds, playfully. There’s always a good kind of pain, when it
comes to sex.
Higuchi bites her lip. “You’re kinda messed up.”
“Indeed.”
She shakes her head. “Right.” She sighs, considering what to do.
“... You know, I’ve been told I’m very good with my mouth,” Dazai says, picking
up on her uneasiness of where to go from here.
Higuchi startles. “Ah…” She quickly schools her surprised expression into
something more composed. “A-Actually, no,” she says, but winces at the stutter.
So Higuchi sucks in a breath, exhales, and says in a very matter-of-fact tone,
“I’m going to ride you, and in the meantime, you’re going to give this gun a
thorough cleaning using only your mouth. Are we clear?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Dazai nods enthusiastically, and lets Higuchi shove the gun
partway into his mouth. The metal is cold against his tongue, and there’s a
slight hint of blood and smoke around the muzzle. Dazai licks away the
impurities obediently, until he can’t taste them any longer.
He’s so focused in on the gun in his mouth while Higuchi fumbles around on his
hips (wow, Dazai thinks distantly, it takes skill to put a condom on one-
handedly ) that he almost misses it when she finally sinks onto his dick. Dazai
takes a moment to savor the tightness, writhing just a tiny bit, before Higuchi
prods him a little with her gun.
“H-hey,” she pants out, “Who told you to stop?”
Dazai allows her to push the gun a little deeper into his mouth, obediently
running his tongue against the parts that are still dry, then watches,
entranced, as Higuchi lowers herself inch by torturous inch onto Dazai’s cock.
She’s so tight and warm around him that Dazai has to remind himself to breathe
a couple of times. Finally, Higuchi bottoms out, back arching.
Then, surprisingly, she removes the gun from Dazai’s mouth.
Dazai makes a sound of protest at the loss, but Higuchi then taps the muzzle of
the gun, wet with his spit, against Dazai’s forehead. “Dazai-san,” she says,
calm voice at ends with how debauched she looks, “Right now, I want you to
focus solely on pleasing me. You can do that, right?” Dazai nods. Higuchi
smiles, and wow, that’s really hot. “Good. Otherwise, I’ll blow your brains out
afterwards, okay?”
They both know that’s an absolute lie, but Dazai doesn’t think he’d mind going
out in such a way, to be honest.
Higuchi raises her hips, so that the head of Dazai’s dick is caught just barely
inside the lips of her pussy. “Say yes, Dazai-san.”
“Yes, okay,” Dazai breathes, and cants his hips upwards. Higuchi stifles a moan
behind her hand, and pushes down to meet him halfway.
Chapter End Notes
     Dazai's a closet ドM.
     I was kind of aiming to show that Higuchi was kind of nervous about
     the whole gun thing (though consenting of it), because as everyone
     knows, Guns Are Dangerous. Especially fully loaded ones, Dazai what
     the shit
***** Case 8: Nakajima Atsushi *****
Chapter Notes
     Dazai: "I have no such tastes in men."
      
     You: He's not interested in dudes
     Me, an intellectual: Dazai's bi. "I have no such tastes in men"
     refers to Dazai not being a furry. but he is willing to make an
     exception for atsushi
     also i've been furiously ignoring that line since chapter 2, why stop
     now
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“Is this your first time, Atsushi?”
Of course it’s Atsushi’s first time. He’s been living in an orphanage of terror
since for as long as he could remember. Where, exactly, would he have managed
to get any?
Atsushi, sprawled out on the futon beneath Dazai, nods nervously. Dazai laughs
quietly.
“That’s okay. We can take it slowly. It’s your precious first time, after all.”
Dazai hasn’t ‘taken it slow’ in a while, though. Not since Odasaku, now that he
thinks about it (unless you counted the times where Dazai had played around
with the wonderful torture that was orgasm denial, which Dazai doesn’t). But
it’s never too late for vanilla sex.
(Though Kunikida was making him reconsider that. Dazai seriously needed to get
that guy married off so he could get laid.)
Dazai tries to recall what Odasaku was like during sex, even if it brings a
little pain to his heart. Sex with Odasaku was the most objectively pleasant,
after all. He wants to recreate those feelings here for his cute junior
Atsushi’s first time, Dazai thinks.
Hm, what had Odasaku done that was so different from everyone else Dazai had
slept with? Used a lot of lube? No, Odasaku hadn’t used more than anyone else.
Complimented Dazai’s fashion sense? Nah, Odasaku hadn’t done that until the
morning after. And besides, neither Dazai nor Atsushi are wearing clothes at
the moment…
And no clothes means that Dazai can’t seductively slip Atsushi’s shirt off,
which was also something Odasaku had done.
Well, damn, what else was Dazai supposed to do?
“Um, Dazai-san?” Atsushi says quietly, though it’s a bit too loud to be
considered a whisper, “Are you gonna do anything or…?”
-- Ah, that’s right, Odasaku had kissed Dazai. Tenderly, and full of passion.
That.
Dazai leans down and plants a kiss on Atsushi’s lips.
Atsushi stiffens momentarily beneath him, but then the boy practically melts in
Dazai’s arms. Sweet.
Then Atsushi surprises Dazai by trying to slip in tongue, which Dazai is all
for. Dazai lets his mouth open and Atsushi’s tongue worms its way in. Sweet!
Dazai hooks Atsushi’s bare leg around his hip in order to pull him closer to
his body. His hand trails over the boy’s crotch, and then lower, lower, until
Dazai’s brushing over his hole--
Suddenly, Atsushi breaks off the kissing and pushes Dazai, forcefully, away.
“Wha-- Atsushi--”
“Waitwaitwait,” Atsushi pants out. He’s breathing heavily, face flushed red.
Dazai waits until Atsushi’s breathing evens out a bit before trying to say
anything else.
“Are you--”
“I’m freaking out right now,” Atsushi interrupts. “Hold on a second!”
Dazai blinks. “Why are you freaking out?”
Atsushi looks to the side. “Uhhhh.”
Dazai frowns. “Atsushi-kun?”
“... Don’t laugh,” Atsushi says, dragging a hand down his face.
“Okay,” says Dazai, because contrary to popular belief, he is capable of
reading the mood (though whether he chose to ignore that mood was another
matter altogether).
“I’m kind of really freaked out by the prospect of your dick in my ass,”
Atsushi says, very quickly, so all the words are kind of mushed together, and
Dazai has to take a moment to process the sentence.
“Okay,” Dazai says. Then he gets off of Atsushi and flops down on the futon
next to him.
“Y-you’re not angry?” Atsushi asks, sheepishly.
“Why would I be?” Dazai says. “I did say we could take it slow, didn’t I? It’s
your first time.”
“... Right.” Atsushi shifts so he’s facing Dazai.
“Yeah.”  Dazai runs a hand through Atsushi’s weirdly colored hair and looks him
in his weirdly colored eyes before speaking again. “So? Do you want to stop,
Atsushi-kun?” Dazai asks.
Atsushi furiously shakes his head, then puts a hand on top of the hand Dazai’s
got in his hair. “No! I still very much want to have s-sex with you, Dazai-
san.”
“Mm,” Dazai considers, “You could fuck me?”
Atsushi’s face erupts into a scarlet blush. “Please don’t make me lead, I have
no idea what I’m doing,” Atsushi says in one breath.
“If I rode you--”
Atsushi gives him a flat look. “You’re heavy, Dazai-san,” he deadpans.
Rude. But at least Atsushi doesn’t seem so ready to drop into dogeza now.
Well, if Atsushi doesn’t want to be fucked or fuck Dazai, then maybe they could
engage in some form of non-penetrative sex? “I could… give you a blowjob?”
Dazai suggests.
Atsushi rolls over to face the ceiling and covers his face with his arm. “No,
that’s a bit-- ugh. I don’t want to make you do all the work, Dazai-san!”
“I wouldn’t mind,” Dazai argues, but Atsushi’s giving him a Look that’s leaving
no room for argument.
Dazai taps his temple with his finger. “... Wanna try sixty-nineing, then?”
Atsushi shakes his head, a blush forming over his cheeks. “No. I, ah, I want to
be able to see your face...”
Holy shit, that’s adorable. Dazai voices that thought, which makes Atsushi
blush even harder.
Dazai smiles. “Well then, how about frottage?”
Atsushi makes a questioning expression. “Frottage…?”
Dazai smirks as he brings his two index fingers together and rubs them against
each other, lengthwise. “It’s non-penetrative body grinding. Dry-humping, if
you will. Rubrubrubrub--”
Atsushi slaps a hand in Dazai’s face. “Holy heck, I get it, I get it!”
Dazai laughs around Atsushi’s fingers. “So, wanna do it?”
Atsushi takes in a deep breath. “... Okay.”
 
===============================================================================
 
 
“Dazai-san, Dazai-san, Dazai-san,” Atsushi pants out, arms thrown around
Dazai’s neck as Dazai grinds against his hip. “Dazai--” Atsushi breaks off into
a whine.
Dazai laughs, a little breathlessly. “You’re doing well, Atsushi-kun,” he
mutters, sweat dripping down his brow as he wraps a hand around both their
dicks and jerks.
Atsushi moans, drags his hands down Dazai’s back. “Dazai-san,” he says, again.
“Wonderfully,” Dazai says, and speeds his hand up.
The climax is so blissful, and the expression on Atsushi’s face even more so,
that Dazai doesn’t notice he’s bleeding until he feels the trickle of blood
running down his sides.
Atsushi notices it only a beat afterwards. “Holy shit!” he says, scrambling to
get his arms away from where they’d last been clawing up Dazai’s back in
pleasure.
… Oh. Atsushi’s usual, skinny, human arms have transformed into furry tiger
arms.
If this is going to happen every time Atsushi has an orgasm with someone, it’s
gonna end up a real problem.
Luckily for today, though, Atsushi orgasmed with Dazai. Dazai taps Atsushi’s
arm. “No Longer Human,” he commands, and Atsushi’s arms reverts to normal.
A moment of silence for the bandages on Dazai’s back, which will need to be
replaced.
Atsushi breaks the silence. “Uhhhhhhhh,” he says.
Dazai decides to lighten the mood before Atsushi starts his usual apologizing.
“... Well, I’m sure there’s been worst first times!”
Atsushi blinks, then scowls. “Dazai-san, you’re not helping!”
Chapter End Notes
     "How did Atsushi's tiger-shifting work when Dazai's still touching
     his dick?" ==> porn convenience
     Tbh I have no idea what Dazai looks like during sex, in regards to
     his bandages. Do they reach his hips? Do they cover his thighs?
     What's underneath? Who the fuck knows, but in this fic the answer is
     "he's just wearing them as a fashion statement".
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!
